MH Vol. 1, No. 2

Massage Humor

Newsletter of the Twerpwyck University College of Innovative Massage 6907 Sherman Street. Philadelphia, PA 19119l

Vol. 1, No.2                                      ISSN 1041-827X                                     May 1998




 Fransis Frits Pflugg, L.M.T.

Director of the Pflugg School of Medically-Modelized Massage,

The Massage of the Future



This long-awaited report was recently published by the United Federation of Organizations Promoting the Medical Model for Massage (UFOPMMM).

The research for this monumental 2-volume contribution was supported by grants from The Cornelius Xavier Cottwhistle Fund and The Clifford  and Hildegard Wallingwood Family Trust.

The 928-page VOLUME I: RAISING STANDARDS is especially important because it details UFOPMMM's recommendation that all massage therapists be required to complete an 11-year,  41,034-hour training regulated by State Boards of Medical Massage (SBMM).

The 11-year, 41,034-hour training will begin with a four year undergraduate, pre-mass major (comparable to the pre-med major). This will be followed by four years of mass school, (comparable to the four years of med school) that will lead to an M.M.D. degree - Medical Massage Doctor (comparable to the M.D. degree). Pre-mass and mass-schools will be university programs, in which all professors will have Ph.D. or M.D. degrees. At graduation, M.M.D.s will take the same Hypocritical Oath that M.D.'s take.

After that, there will be a required one-year internship in medical massage and, finally, a two-year residency in a medical massage specialty such as Triceptology, Gluteusmaximology, Biceptology, etc. Eventually, there will be almost as many specialties as there are muscles.

Only massage therapists who have completed this 11-year, 41,034-hour rigorous training will be permitted to take the National Certification Examination for Medical Massage Therapists (NCEMMT). This examination will be given by State Boards of Medical Massage (SBMM) for a fee of $5000.00.

M.M.D.s who pass the NCEMMT will be SBMM-licensed in their medical massage specialty, which is all they will be licensed to practice. M.M.D.s will not be licensed to do whole body massage, which will be done only by M.D.s who may, if they so desire, refer patients to M.M.D. specialists for treatment of particular muscles. 

This 11-year, 41,034-hour training has already received overwhelming approval from massage therapists, who have adopted the medical model, because they will be grandfathered in, they can't wait to be called "Doctor," and doctors will refer patients to them as specialists.

The 896-page VOLUME II: THE FUTURE OF MASSAGE describes how Health Massage Maintenance Organizations (HMMOs), similar to HMOs, will control all M.M.D.s. The HMMOs will approve massage only for the individual muscles, for which there are medical massage specialties,  and will decide what compensation M.M.D.s will receive for each 10-minute massage, which will be referred to as an "operation."

All massage schools and the present National  Massage Certification Examination Board will be extinguished by assisted suicide. The American Massage Medical Association (AMMA) will replace all present massage organizations. Massage therapy will be a full-blown medically-modelized profession. Medical massage therapists will be as pleased with HMMOs as doctors are with HMOs. People will have the same respect for HMMOs that they now have for HMOs.

HMMOs, which will establish policy for and administer the AMMA, will have complete and total monopoly control of massage. The only serious competition massage therapists will encounter will be doctors who switch from medicine to massage. Doctors will be able to do this without any massage training because they know everything.

For this reason, doctors will do not only the medical massage specialties, but also whole body massage which medical massage therapists cannot do - because they are restricted to medical massage specialties. The main reason why hords of doctors will stop practicing medicine is because they can't afford the high cost of medical malpractice insurance.

Droves of doctors will become massage therapists because liability insurance for massage therapists is "dirt cheap" BECAUSE MASSAGE DOESN'T HARM PEOPLE.



Professor Tucker T. Schlepper, Chairman of  the Department of Mathematical Massage at Twerpwyck University's College of Innovative Massage, has been awarded the 1998 Noble Prize for Massage for his discovery of Schlepper's Law.

This law makes it possible, for the first time, to objectively (quantitatively) evaluate a massage therapist's competence.

Schlepper's Law is a mathematical formula that provides an exact numerical rating (from zero to 100) for a massage therapist's competence. The law is based on physical constants which include his/her shoe size, phone number, FAX number, e-mail address, zip code, date of birth, body height, weight, age, eye and hair color, ear lobe shape, whether he/she is left or right-handed, etc. When a constant changes, competence changes.

Massage school administrators, who have had a year of advanced quantum physics, topology, and differential calculus are eligible for a 10,000-hour training to learn how to use Schlepper's Law to determine which students are sufficiently competent to graduate. Study grants are available to cover the cost of this training from the American Research Grant Association.

The Military Officers Institute is using Schlepper's Law to  determine which personnel in the Armed Forces should be promoted. The American Research Grant Association is using Schlepper's Law to decide who should get research grants.

In a recent interview, Prof. Schlepper, who owns the patent on Schlepper's Law, is quoted as saying, "I intend to stay at Twerpwyck  because this is where my heart is; unless business, industry, the Military Officers Institute, the American Research Grant Association, or another university offers my heart a higher salary."

Shleppers law.gif
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