MH Vol. 2, No. 2

The Massage Daily News

A free press is a

Editor: Albert Schatz

Caveat lector.

pillar of democracy

Associate Editor: Mary  Brewster

Let the reader beware


       Evening edition                                September 11, 2000                                                        $0.7




Stockholm (Svenska International Press). The world-famous Peter Ling Institute for Massage Therapy awarded the first International Prize for Massage to Professor Tucker T. Shlepper, Chairman of the Department of Mathematical Massage at Twerpwyck University's College of Innovative Massage. The Prize was awarded for his discovery of Shlepper's Law. (Massage Humor newsletter. Vol. 1, No. 2. May 1998).

Prof. Shlepper received the Noble Prize for  Shlepper's Law in May 1998. But, only now have massage therapists finally realized that Shlepper's Law puts to rest once and for all the controversy about state regulation (of massage therapists) and national certification. This controversy has raged because regulatory agencies have alleged that their standards are needed to assure competence in order to protect the public from harm allegedly caused by allegedly incompetent massage therapists.

Opponents of regulation claim there is no way to objectively measure hands-on competence of massage therapists. So, they ask, "How do regulatory agencies differentiate between massage therapists who are competent and incompetent in their hands-on work?" Opponents also claim a written exam does not measure hands-on competence; and there is no well-documented evidence that allegedly incompetence massage therapists have seriously harmed enough people to justify the alleged need for regulation to protect the public from harm.

In 1993, a major attempt was made to resolve the controversy by creating The National Certification Examination for State Massage Laws and The National Association for the Accreditation of State Massage Laws. (Massage Law Newsletter (Vol. 1, No. 3. December 21, 1993) But the controversy continued.

On April 1, 1999, the U.S. Supreme Court overturned state massage laws and national certification. The decision was based in part on the inability of regulatory agencies to measure hands-on competence. This was reported in The Massage Daily News. April 1, 1999. (Massage Humor newsletter. Vol. 2, No. 1, 1999.)

However, it is now recognized that regulatory agencies can assure hands-on competence because this competence can now be objectively measured by Shlepper's Law. Because this law incorporates Einstein's equation e = mc2, it is universally applicable to all  massage therapists and all other kinds of bodyworkers throughout the universe.

Shlepper's Law is a mathematical formula that provides an exact numerical rating (from zero to 100) for a massage therapist's competence. The law is based on physical constants which include his/her shoe size, phone number, FAX number, e-mail address, zip code, date of birth, body height, weight, age, eye and hair color, ear lobe shape, whether he/she is left or right-handed, etc. When any one of these constants changes, hands-on competence changes.

Massage school administrators (who have had college level courses in spherical trigonometry, topology, differential and integral calculus, and quantum physics) are eligible for a 10,000-hour training that will certify them to use Shlepper's Law. They can then determine which students are sufficiently competent, in hands-on work, to graduate. Study grants to cover the cost of this training are available from the Roger and Adrian Fortesque Family Trust.

Twerpwyck University's College of Innovative Massage has scheduled 52 Saturday lectures for Prof. Tucker T. Shlepper. A schedule of his lectures. A schedule of is available from the Public Relations Department of Twerpwyck University.


This special issue of The Massage Daily News is Vol. 2, No. 2. 2000, of the Massage Humor newsletter.  This newsletter and the Massage Law Newsletter are on available on the internet <www.>.

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